Invasione Italiana

The jig is up, Italy. I'm so on to you. You think I don't notice? Well, I do, and I've just about had it with your shenanigans. Leave our sandwiches alone.

You heard me. I'm serious. Oh, what's that you say? You don't know what I'm talking about? Well, let's just go through your calculating moves one by one.

When you came on the scene, you flew way under the radar, didn't you? Meatball subs. Remember? It was almost comical, wasn't it? Like you weren't really serious about, but hey, it could be fun! We all had our little laughs and figured you'd stop there. But you didn't, did you? Oh no. This was just the beginning.

You poked around the cheese department next. Yeah, yeah, not too much, but you made your presence known. For as long as I can remember, the white cheese was always Swiss. You didn't even have to ask. If you wanted white - Swiss, please. But ever so slowly, a new chase made its way into the cold cut aisle. Swiss, please. "Sorry, that's provolone." What? What is that? Umm, okay, yeah, I guess. For a little while, there was some confusion, until it became clear you were the round white cheese. That satisfied us - but should it have?

Pretty sneaky, sis.

Then, you were in position, weren't you? You had your foot in the door and now you were ready to make your appearance. Excuse me? You don't know what I'm talking? Well let me remind you. The panini.

That's right, the panini. Not panino, as you might say in actual Italian, but the panini. You were working that "funny business" angle again, weren't you, with the incorrect spelling? Well, it worked. You fleeced us, making us think that panini were some magic food of the gods. Look at me when I'm talking to you, Italy. I've been. You know that. You also know that panini are a street food, not this gourmet crap you'd have us believe it is. But you kept working that gourmet stuff on us, didn't you?

Damn, you were sly.

And now... now, we can't stop it. We've got prosciutto, pancetta, focaccia and ciabatta breads, and asiago cheese. When is it going to stop, Italy? When?

We thought you were satisfied with pizza. We carved a little niche for calzones. Americans love breadsticks! And the pasta. My God, the pasta! We tried to keep you happy, but that just wasn't enough, and now you've gone and taken our sandwiches. I hope you're happy.

Okay, I've said my piece; what's the next step. Clearly I've not convinced you, and the panini invasion is not stopping any time soon. Well then.. fuck you. I've had it.

PS - Don't you dare touch our hamburgers.

PPS - Forget what I said about prosciutto. I love prosciutto.