Haplessness

Sometimes I feel like my entire life isn't what it's supposed to be. There are days when I care, but then weeks when I don't. I'm right there in one of those weeks. I hate the way I look those days - I don't shave, or put in my contacts. My other clothes are dirty and I wear things I don't like. I feel like I look significantly different this way, and I hate looking into the mirror one morning to find this always unwelcome stranger in my place. But I continue not caring for a while.

Sometimes I'm irritated by everything and everyone around me, even the people I want to be around for the rest of my life. I want to break out and do other things - something that reflects what my life is supposed to be. Away from here, away from this, away from them. I try to imagine my life as it is supposed to be, but I've never managed.

My life is not meant to be anything, I guess. I just need to accept my life as it is and just be happy with it. A lot of the time, that's quite enough. A lot of the time, I'm so excited about my world that I can't hold it inside.

It's just sometimes, only sometimes, that I try to imagine my life as it is supposed to be. But I can't.

My life is meant to be everything, I guess. These days cry out that satisfying yourself with life isn't enough. You always need to be better, smarter, more you. Happiness is supposed to come from a purpose-driven life. I guess that means that happiness is something sustainable - a state you can keep working at because working is what makes you happy. Still, though, I find it hard to believe that God would make happiness so much like restlessness.

Sometimes I'm not the person I want to be.