Draining

Today was a strangely Jeri-oriented day. I woke up in the morning and headed down to the church to give blood for the drive they were having. The woman who stuck me was clearly new at the whole deal and supposedly gave me a nasty hematoma with little blood flow for collection. All the nurses were making a big fuss over me, despite the fact that I didn’t care much and found the whole situation mildly amusing. I filled half a bag of blood and they sat me down at the cookie table and got me an ice pack for my bruise, even though I didn’t feel a thing. Though I looked pretty pathetic, I couldn’t stop smiling, thinking about how Jeri would probably be crying over a situation like this. How she’d freak over the slightest thing.

Later today, I was organizing all my stuff that I have yet to unpack from college. I took all the papers I threw from my desk to the car and began sorting through them, discovering what was trash and what wasn’t. I came across all the cards and letters I’d received that year, and among them I found a card from Jeri. It was from the day I broke up with her. She could tell I was not okay, and I asked her to leave. I went to talk to Daniel, and while I was away, she left this note on my desk. She told me she wasn’t trying to make me feel better, but she’d be there for me when I needed her. She’d wait.
I began to feel guilty over what had happened. I had lost control over the situation, and I didn’t know how to react, and she got hurt. I read the note, and I could hear the feeling in them; she cared for me. I had let her down.
I read the note again, but this time, I felt something different. She’d wait for me? No. That’s exactly what she didn’t do. As much as she tried to understand my position, she couldn’t. She didn’t let me get back to myself in my own time. So, it had to end.
The exact same note made me feel guilty and angry, but most of all tired of the situation. Jeri has been the biggest challenge this year, and it doesn’t even feel close to done. I know the whole ordeal was not carried out in the best way, but I don’t feel like we should be on such a wavering status. I just want this unpleasantness to be over. I want to let go of my anger so she can let go of hers, and then we’ll get on with our lives.
I wish it hadn’t ended so badly.